How are you, really?

 Honestly, I've not been feeling it for the past few weeks.

I wrote this blog post title on 16/9/2020 and the only sentence I've been able to write is the one above.

And now it's 25/10/2020, I just ended the first week of my oral surgery posting, now it's 1.45am on Sunday.

Honestly, I think I'm feeling the same, if not worse.

My life and mental health has been deteriorating since work started.

Like seriously in a way I've never imagine.

I expect work to be hard, life's not going to be as carefree as I had before, I'm going to need sometime to adapt, I had all these mental preparation before work started.

Still, it was too much to bear when it happened.

The first two weeks were still good as I'm just tagging around to observe.

But since I started seeing patients on my own, I had a hard time.

I'm so unsure with everything, how's the diagnosis and treatment 

plan should be. Is the oral presentation normal? I can't even tell.

What's the best thing I could do for this patient? I don't really know.

I want a person to tell me what I'm looking at and what to do.

And I got less confident and less confident as days passed, feeling super incapable. 

I felt like I'm never going to be a qualified dentist.

I know I'm super lucky that I work in a clinic super near to my house,

going back to supportive family and home cook food everyday,

I got nice colleagues,

I got everything outside that I needed,

but I myself am the problem.

I'm not sure if my basics were really bad or I just forgot everything I've learnt in uni.

I feel like I'm a disgrace to UM. 

I regretted all those days that I didn't work hard enough in the uni.

I tried to study the old notes. On somedays I manage to.

But on most of the days I just feel super demotivated and the only thing I want to do in life is sleep.

I want to sleep until the end of the world.

The only time my brain is not buzzing with all these work stuffs stress is only when I'm sleeping.

I don't even feeling like taking care of myself.

My workouts got lesser and lesser and I told myself it's okay we need to focus on clinic first.

It went from four days to three days to two days and one day, and non-existent now.

I stopped practicing all the mindful eating habits, starve myself sometimes, binge sometimes.

I don't even want to scrub my face or put on body lotion like I would always do.

I kinda gave up on drinking a lot of water.

I don't really care if I really like how I look.

Well, I'm not this extreme all of the time. 

On some rare breaks I feel okay and reassuring myself things will get better.

But most of the time I just fell back in the deep hole again.

Losing the motivation to live. I'm not kidding.

Feel like losing interest to every thing in life, including those which once sparked joy.

I don't enjoy food like I did.

I don't enjoy my sunrise sunset clouds paddy fields like I did.

I have nothing to look forward in life.

I can't feel happy at all.

I just want this misery to end.

I did look for help. I told my parents. Talked to some of my friends.

But very superficial situation I'm able to expose them to.

I don't know.

I still have very deep fear down there.

I still suck at looking for help.

Or just suck at being a human being.

Maybe it's not the situation. It's me.

I shouldn't judge myself? I do

I should approve myself? I can't

The things that I thought I've figured out in the past few months just crumbled

I have no idea what should I do with my life

In the meanwhile, I'll just cry and sleep,

and see what works tmrw,

if I ever wake up.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this

I'm sorry you met me at the worst phase of my life