Things that happened in me.

 Okay, the past months were really torturous.

And you can call it self-inflicting. It really is.

I'm not sure if it's finally getting better. I hope it is.

There's a really interesting thing that happened last Friday.

I accidentally drank coffee the evening before and end up being wide awake for the whole night,

I didn't even sleep for a minute before going to work.

Mum was sleeping with me that night because dad was afraid he might have contacted someone who might be Covid positive.

Both being wide awake because of coffee, we talked a lot that night.

She told me stories about she almost went to Singapore and work.

I told her the only bright side of my torturous day is I finally get to tell them my deep insecurities,

and why for the past years I didn't even tell them the slightest problem.

I guess we talked until like around 3am and she finally was able to fall asleep.

But my brain was wide awake.

So many thoughts crashed, crumble and then building themselves up.

Suddenly all the help I got from others made sense to me now.

Not sure if it's finally I was given endless time to think without distractions. 

Yes I was so worried about the future.

Suddenly it wasn't that scary anymore because of mum's affirmation.

And a lot of pieces from all the talks I had with others.

I was told I am too afraid of making mistakes, that's why I'm so stuck at the same point,

I wouldn't want to do anything because anything could go wrong.

Yeah you're not wrong.

I am a lazy untalented perfectionist who wants instant results.

I also reflected. Most of the times I'm just afraid of troubles and my immediate response is to run away.

In long term it really made me a worse person.

I just realised it.

I thought I was bright and brave, unapologetic.

I wasn't when it comes to reality, when there's conflict of interest.

I am selfish, greedy and fearful.

I compared to all the good sides, wanted to be like them, but actually doing nothing.

Okay back to Friday.

Probably because of my sleepless brain my energy was so high,

that I finally felt energetic, feeling all the will to live, and finally feeling happy once in so long.

I am so touched by the feeling I almost cried.

I really miss it.

The whole day I was acting normal like the old happy days,

doing Triage happily,

went hospital to meet people and talked like a normal happy energetic person, 

doesn't feel bad then thing didn't turn out as expected, laughed it off,

came back to ask about clinical stuffs enthusiastically,

being blamed but seeing the good side out of it,

enjoying good food in the clinic,

like really enjoying it and that made portion control so much better, mindful eating is back,

play games and laugh together,

talking happily,

and feeling the urge to share my feelings, my happiness.

I can't wait to go home and tell mum I finally crawled out of the wormhole,

can't wait to text people who talked to me I'm finally okay, I recovered.

I even made plans for the weekend and so looking forward to it.

It feels really really good.

I feel like I'm alive again, I've recovered, and things are surely gonna get better from now on.

It all lasted until 4pm+?

The lethargic strikes.

My energy is suddenly draining off.

I felt like losing control of my life all over again.

I'm so afraid.

I don't want to go back and feel and same way again.

I was constantly comforting myself, taking deep breathes, telling myself it was just that I'm sleepy,

things will still be okay.

It doesn't turn out really good after that.

I went to sleep at regular hour at Friday night, hoping that I'll wake up good on Saturday.

It didn't happen.

Saturday I felt all drained off,

just like the old weekends I had for the past few weeks.

I kept sleeping without wanting to do anything,

almost sleeping the whole day off.

On Sunday I'm slightly better again.

-

Umm I just stopped writing at that point and now reading back this I wished I had continued it 

So yeah, write, whenever you can, you won't ever regret of that.